Tuesday, Tuesday !!

Hi,

ABF was so confusing. Right when I think things are going fine, something up-ends my "peace". Last night, everything was fine. He left me alone for the most part. I went to sleep in peace and woke up fine. As I was getting ready, he started to freak out. He started to argue with me about how much he has given up and how mean I was being. I told him how irresponsible he was in handling everything, not just our relationship but also his relationship with his parents. Then I left because I was late to work. Lo and behold, he came 10 minutes later to talk to me. It was a complete 180. Now he was nice and had as I call the "hurt puppy" attitude. Most of the conversation was all he has given up for me and if I could give him one more chance not as a boyfriend but as a person to date.
I said he would have to earn back even my friendship because he didn't have that. He left and went to class and I started to think.
I wondered to myself if this is how most abusers approached their S.O. I mean apparently it works so I tried to figure out how I would act if I wanted to be abusive. I would talk all nice and try to get the person to feel like they owe me this. I would also try to make this person cry. I would be persistant. I would try to bribe the person. Then I would say something to make them feel a little bad about themselves. I realized that all of this was happening to me this morning and I became so upset!
So when he came back after his class, I told him I was confused and needed time to figure stuff out. "No, you shouldn't need time. I didn't take time to figure this out when you asked me back (1 year ago)." I thought, "This is the trick that car salesmen play. Buy the car now because this deal will be gone tomorrow". Pretty much, I said that I would think about it. He seemed happy and I don't want to make him feel sad. However, when I started to think about our relationship on my own, I became physically ill. Several times, I almost threw up. It seems like my body won't let me do this to myself. I understand it will be hard, but I am glad that there is evidence that I can not ignore.
I know! I know! This even sounds crazy to me while I'm writing it! I can understand how people say "Why do you care about how he feels? He's hurt you so much. It's obvious that he doesn't care about you." I know. Part of the point for this blog is to find out *why* I feel this way. I know it's crazy; you don't have to tell me. I see it. I just feel alone.
The way I see it is that I should be happy now! This is my last large semester before I graduate and go to graduate school! It isn't fair that this drama with him overshadows how happy I should be!